I ponder A LOT of things—softball schedules, girl scout meetings, baseball schedules, Faith Formation classes, meal plans, and regular household chores—not to mention work tasks and meetings, and what to do on date night or what game to play for family game night. It can get overwhelming. I try my best to ponder these “in my heart” and in a state of faith, but my type A, over achieving, slightly perfectionist personality takes over and I need a good color coded calendar and to-do list. While I firmly believe that I am just who I should be and that my administrative gifts from the Holy Spirit are needed and valued, I’ll admit, it’s a lot of pressure—pressure that I mostly put on myself.
This year I began the Rosary in a Year podcast from Ascension, and man has this been a blessing. In 10-15 min a day, I am able to connect more deeply to a prayer I have always loved, but often took for granted. And one quote from Fr. Mark-Mary has really stuck with me over the last couple weeks:
“Mary had perfect faith, but not perfect understanding.”
He of course was referencing the life of her son and the fact that while she didn’t know the exact events that would lead to the “piecing of her heart” and the “rising and falling of many” at the hand of her son, she put complete faith in the Lord and the plans he had for them both. But this was something that hit me in my everyday life: perhaps the search for understanding isn’t the point. Perhaps striving to have everything in order is not the point.
For a long time, I struggled to relate to Mary. She is a saint, the Immaculate Conception, conceived without sin and so perfect in all behavior and thought that she could be the Ark of the New Covenant and hold God himself within her. Not only that, she was then responsible for tending, teaching and raising God himself. And that is NOT me. I sought Mary’s guidance in motherhood and faith and often found myself unable to connect. She is not God of course, but she’s remarkable and a lot of things I am not. But what I can relate to, is the lack of perfect understanding. I continue to work toward a faith like hers, but for now I take comfort in the fact that, just like Mary, I don’t know what tomorrow will be. I don’t—and may never—have a clear view of what the Lord is calling me to or what is needed next. And rather than trying to figure this out on my own, force it into a color coded to-do list, and tell God what I am doing rather than listening to what I should be doing.
Letting go of having it all under control will be a process. There will be some things that God leaves in my control (my kids do need to eat after all), but with Mary by my side, I am coming to the Lord to ask for wisdom in choosing what I ponder, what I strive for, what I can control, and what I should give to him.
