With a six month old still in my room at night, I find sleep hard to come by. My ritual early morning prayer time is spotty at best, and even when I manage to drag myself out of bed, I find myself distracted or dozing off. This lack of quality quiet prayer time feels like laziness; Aren’t I willing to suffer a lack of sleep for the Lord? Can I not keep watch for an hour? But a wise priest reminded me that the disciples, and even Jesus Himself, were humans who required rest. And while prayer is not optional, my “firstfruits” prayer time doesn’t have to be in the morning.
I have had to be more purposeful in how I take the time to pray, particularly on those prayer-less mornings. Intentionally giving my day to God before I even step out of bed, offering up my nursing sessions for particular intentions, and trying to incorporate more quiet in my day are all ways I have been adapting to this season of motherhood. Recently, though, I have been meditating on John 21 when Jesus appears to His disciples, who have been fishing all night:
Just as day was breaking, Jesus stood on the beach; yet the disciples did not know that it was Jesus. Jesus said to them, “Children, have you any fish?” They answered him, “No.” He said to them, “Cast the net on the right side of the boat, and you will find some.” So they cast it, and now they were not able to haul it in, for the quantity of fish. That disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” (John 21:4–7)
Multiple times post-Resurrection, Jesus appears to people unable to recognize Him: Mary Magdalene, the disciples on the Road to Emmaus, even Peter and John. Jesus, who is perfectly virtuous, is not intentionally deceiving them, but seemingly, His resurrected body is somehow different from the one to which they were accustomed. However, through His commands and miracles (Jesus speaking Mary Magdalene’s name, the breaking of the bread at Emmaus, and the miracle of the fish mentioned above), the disciples’ eyes are opened to see Jesus for who He really is. “It is the Lord!” is John’s cry.
Throughout my day, I have tried to ask Jesus to make Himself known to me in places I fail to recognize Him. Like the disciples in the passage above, I don’t have the luxury of being with Jesus all of the time, and when He is with me, I often fail to see Him for who He really is. But the green light when I am running late, the bliss of sitting side by side with my husband as we read our respective books, the moment when I think I am going to lose my cool but somehow speak calmly, the opportunity to clean up after my family after a meal that God provided for us, that my child put on their shoes and walked to the car the first time . . . For any and all of it, the big moments and the little ones, we can say with confidence, “It is the Lord!”
Jesus doesn’t demand to be seen, but our hearts cry out in faith when they recognize His presence. And for baptized Christians in a state of grace, He is with us throughout the day, waiting for us to notice Him. He calls us by name. He performs miracles, however small, in front of our eyes. He prompts us to do something we may not have thought to do. We can ask Jesus to give us eyes to see Him and meet Him as we do the work He has called us to.
Consolidated stretches of sleep will be mine again someday, and my prayerful morning routine will be more consistent. But I feel Jesus is telling me that, even when those long, quiet morning hours with Him return, I don’t have to give Him only that designated time. He is helping train my eyes to see Him where He meets me so that I, too, may cry, “It is the Lord!”
