Life catches up with us sooner or later. I was lucky to have it knock me over when I was in my late 20’s. At that point I was forced to look at my past, the sufferings, the hurts, the pains – the abuse – and recognize how, as much as I’d worked so hard to convince myself and others that I was a fighter and completely ‘fine’, it was still getting the best of me. I had to lay down my pride, die to myself (control), and allow God to finally begin His true work in me.
A little over a decade from that moment ‘life’ rushed at me again and awakened me into a deeper truth, one that threatened to drag me back into despair, rage, and drowning in self-pity. Thankfully, because of the work I had done in healing over the decade I was stronger than I was in my 20’s and able to look for God’s hand out of the muck of victimization, grab on to Him and hold tight as He pulled me out.
At some point I began to feel ‘caught up’ in my life, that there couldn’t be anymore ‘surprises’ except for what faced me head on rather than from my past. The Cancer for instance. I didn’t see that coming. I will admit, even with all that I’ve been given to deal with in my life, I never thought Cancer would be in the ring. I mean I had a tiny bit of skin cancer but that was nothing. And granted, many want to emphasize that Thyroid Cancer is ‘the best and easiest’ to have…. ha.
Yes, trust me, I was SO GLAD for this fact. I truly was and it made me pray even harder for those that go through a ‘more difficult diagnosis’. BUT, it was still a growing cancer in my thyroid and lymph nodes. I still had to have surgery. I still had to go through radiation, and be isolated for four days. I still had to go through the process of getting my hormones right without a thyroid. I still had to get retested every 3-6 months and have it come back showing in my lungs and new nodules in the thyroid bed. It was all okay, no matter what. It’s just that no one had time for Cancer. Who does?
And there it is. The slight nudge of standing on the very edge of that warm water of self-pity. I had a choice. Do I wade in it a bit? Do I let my guard down and get caught up in the undertow of ‘why me’ and ‘what if’?
NO.
Once a survivor, always a survivor. No matter the fight.
When I was going through the months of testing and waiting (oh the waiting is the worst), I sat in adoration and ‘talked’ to God about the fact I had a feeling of what was about to be a new reality for me. And I felt Him speak very clearly to my heart, “You have my strength. No matter the outcome, trust in Me. You know I make all things new.”
And I believed. So, as I ‘waited’ once more for my surgery date. And I ‘waited’ then again to see if I needed radiation. And ‘waited’ to see if the lung was an issue. I ‘waited on the Lord’ and was encouraged no matter what ‘life’ brought. I made a choice to show up even if I had no control of the outcome, even if it was scary.It has been six years since that surgery, the radiation, and yes, I still make my trips to MDAnderson, and wait on the outcome, however, as I have learned to look to the Lord rather than the obstacle the wait is not lonely, rather, His covering of peace and grace is warm and comforting, because I know Isaiah 40:31 “They that hope in the LORD will renew their strength, they will soar on eagles’ wings; They will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint.”
