Do you look forward to conversations with acquaintances and extended family at holiday events? Or do you sort of dread them? For a lot of us, Thanksgiving and Christmas mean mixing and mingling with people we don’t see that often. These events can also include interacting with family members where relationships are distant or strained.
Whether you’re hoping to be able to share about God’s goodness with a family member or navigate a relative with differing political views than you, conversation with other people doesn’t have to be frustrating. In fact, it can be a place of genuine joy and discovery when we approach people with humility and curiosity.
If your hope is to share your faith, take note: The Good News of Jesus spreads most fruitfully within trusting relationships—through both words and actions. Before we do much verbal sharing about Jesus as the Good News, we must “win the right” to be heard. We do this through getting to know people and loving them well. Love seeks to know others and draws them out through conversation.
Below are some tips for improving your conversational skills, which can strengthen your relationships and build a deeper level of trust. Prompting conversation and listening well are prerequisite skills for sharing your faith in Christ. Whether introverted or extroverted, we are all called to care for people by asking good questions and listening attentively. Pray about this; ask the Lord for courage and to open doors!
10 TIPS FOR LEADING BETTER CONVERSATIONS
1. Ask questions! This takes effort, thought and intentionality.
2. Make them the expert. Everyone is an “expert” in something and loves to talk about it. Find it.
3. Be genuinely curious, amazed, interested and reverent towards people. The Grand Canyon is a smaller miracle than each of us quirky humans.
4. Seek first to understand. Everyone has a deep desire to be known and understood—including you. Sacrifice
some of your desire to be known, for a bit, while you give another the dignity of being truly listened to / understood / the center of attention.
5. Ask about the details. “Tell me more about that.” Who, what, where, when, why…? Avoid questions that can be answered with “yes” or “no.”
6. Use differences as a help to conversation, not a hindrance. Don’t worry if you don’t have much in common. Differences present an easy opportunity to ask more questions. “I don’t know the first thing about that! Tell me more about it…”
7. Be fully present, and truly listen. No multi-tasking (bodily or mentally). Not half in, half out. The person in front of you is the most important thing right now. Even when you think of something you want to say in response, keep on listening. Avoid formulating questions and responses while the other person is talking. Let those thoughts come and go as you continue to listen.
8. Watch your body language. Convey warmth and care through your body. Relax your arms, smile, or show concern as appropriate.
9. Win the right to be heard. People don’t care what you know until they know that you care. Eventually they may ask you some questions. Then you can talk more about yourself, your thoughts, your stories, your faith.
10. Don’t jump to argue or defend. Ask questions and seek to understand even when you disagree with what someone says. If they ask your opinion, share your thoughts and beliefs too, but remember: respect changes minds better than defensiveness!
QUESTIONS TO TAKE CONVERSATIONS DEEPER
This list of questions can give you ideas of how to get past chatting about the weather into a bit deeper territory.
How did your family celebrate Thanksgiving/Christmas growing up?
What are some of your favorite traditions during this time of year? How did those start?
What do you do for (work/school)? Tell me more about that. How long have you been doing it? Did you study for it?
What’s your major?
What’s a typical day like for you?
What’s most rewarding? What’s most difficult?
Do you travel? Work or fun? Where do you like to go? Favorite place? Least favorite place? Why?
What do you like to do (hobbies)?
Ask lots of follow-up questions here. How did you begin? Why do you like it? How do you do it?
What are you currently reading/watching? What do you like to read/watch?
How have things been going for you lately?
Have you been enjoying your job/parenting/your major/your free time lately?
What are you grateful for these days?
What do you find meaningful about your work/family/life?
Did you grow up Catholic/Christian (or whatever is appropriate)?
What was that like? Did you pray as a family?
Who was most influential in your faith as a child?
