Recently, I was preparing for a sales conference for Decided Excellence Catholic Media, and in prayer I kept receiving the word ‘Conviction’. Words are a big deal to me. I love to write, and each word can carry an impact distinctively. For instance, “the Word became flesh,” John 1:14. There is no argument to the impact of God’s Word.
I remember when God’s word became a true, living and expanding entity in my life. I was 27 years old and eight months pregnant with my second child, Seth, convinced God had no interest in me whatsoever. I felt abandoned by God, unloved, unwanted, and a disappointment. Having been assaulted in high school and in college, I walked away falsely believing the one greatest gift I could have to keep God loving me was obliterated. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t what I wanted, shame made me feel I could have done something more and now I was no longer ‘clean’.
A decade went by, as the shame festered and became anger. The older I became, I wanted nothing to do with God. Even as I had children, I believed the twin I lost was a punishment. I had no idea who God was, therefore, I had no joy, and I wanted everyone around me to be as miserable. Until I sat in a stranger’s home, comfortable in her living room leather recliner, enjoying a quiet moment while my two-year-old son was in free babysitting. It was a bible study; I knew this but that didn’t matter to me. The quiet was worth listening to words I felt weren’t for me.
However, each session I listened and found myself interested in the words in Isaiah and marveled at the correlation and fulfillment of the word by Jesus in the New Testament. Something stirred inside. I chalked it up to simple curiosity. About halfway through the study the author began to share her experience of abuse and the feeling of abandonment by God and the shame and anger it left within her. I was shocked that I could relate to this author’s experience and yet here she was explaining the Word of God as if it were alive within her.
Before I could finish the entire bible study sessions I gave birth to Seth. Natural birth. During the waves of pain, I felt Jesus with me, holding me, consoling and encouraging me, loving me in the moment. In that miraculous moment of childbirth, I began to open myself up to the possibility that God could love me, despite my sins and the shame.
Within a few weeks, I was home alone with my newborn and rambunctious two-year-old. I know I’ve told this story various times so I will skim over it, but in this moment my two-year-old decided to make a horrible mess. I was tired. I was angry. I wanted out of motherhood! In the greatest depths of my despair, I felt a nudge inside. With an unusual amount of patience I took care of my little ones and went to my room to cry out in desperation to God.
God answered me. I could feel him. I could taste him. I could see him. I could sense him within me, around me, in all ways I knew him. I KNEW HIM. Suddenly, I felt worthy to receive the words of love, forgiveness, acceptance, comfort, and support that came from His Word.
Because of this moment in my life, I KNEW him. And now, 24 years later, I can say I know what God can and will do. This knowing carries me through the toughest of days and is where I lay my head to rest in peace every night. Because of this knowing I have the conviction to do all I can to spread His Word.
It is a gift to work for a company where I can take that conviction into the real world and do my part in bringing the Word of God into thousands of Catholic homes. I get to show up within my job which is a blessing, yet even if I didn’t have this opportunity the word is alive within me, and I desire for others to know Him the way I know Him. We all can show up for God and help others who may need that light in the darkness to show them the way. I implore you, just show up and share what you know, it could change a life.
