Nestled in among twinkling aspen trees along the tallest peak in Colorado is my blessed getaway; what we lovingly call the McGraw Compound in Twin Lakes. My mom and dad purchased a tiny two-bedroom cabin on one acre of land on the Independence Pass that over the span of 16 years has grown to a few more small cabins and a place of complete respite. One such moment for me was just a few months after my dad passed away. I purposefully made the 13-hour drive on Father’s Day so I would have the opportunity to mourn in peace. It was the first Father’s Day since my dad’s passing, and my life was also in upheaval. I feel the reflection I did that day still remains relevant, and maybe by sharing this intimate time of my life the Holy Spirit may stir something within you as well:
On the drive in I listened to the book, The Shack, by Wm. Paul Young. I knew The Shack would get to me. Sometimes we make these decisions, like listening to a moving spiritual book on tape, to force God to ‘show up’ in our lives. He delivered. I listened and imagined the visuals of God as ‘Papa’… Jesus as any man who could be my brother, and the wispy image of the Holy Spirit. I felt them in the car with me, an intentional union of the four of us, the Holy Trinity and me, on this journey for me to grieve and to grow.
Along the way I wept.
But by the end of my trip from sticky Texas humidity to the crisp coolness of Colorado, I had found a long-lost elation in the absolute truth of the presence of the Holy Trinity in my life. What I call the knowing – that I know without a doubt that God’s love is for me! No matter what. That He is beside me, behind me, before me, within me, all around me, and He already knows the end game. He is my great protector. By allowing myself to persevere and wait on His timing, His will be perfect, good, right, and true for me.
Christ is my Redeemer…because of Christ I can sit here and be renewed in my repentance of my sins. I have sinned. I will acknowledge this. I am a sinner. I am not proud of decisions I have made. I am also forgiven. Redeemed. And the Holy Spirit is forever within me to remind me it takes an intentional, diligent mind and spirit to follow in the path God is leading me and not to go off that path only to fall into another pit. I’ve also learned when given the opportunity, the Lord can take even your worst mistakes and bring great good from them.
Being that it was Father’s Day, I took myself to a movie and saw Aladdin. My dad loved to go to the movies, so it was a great way to end the evening in his honor. And to remind myself ‘it’s a whole new world’ out there…not to live of the world, but to live in the world being Christ’s light to others.
I slept soundly, even though I was in a cabin all alone. How I feared coming into this ‘great alone’ world… in a cabin in the woods all by myself, only to contend with my mind. I struggled the first two days. I didn’t want to be alone. I needed someone to talk to. I couldn’t face the ‘great sadness’ that lurked around the corners of every room I entered, or hike I would venture on, only to leave me with a tight chest and tears I couldn’t shed.
And then it hit me. I was not doing as I was instructed on the ride up. I was not giving into the knowing. I was controlling my emotions because I was afraid to feel. The fear of the pain washed over me, suffocating any gasp of breath manageable. I did not lean into the vulnerability of loss and the unknowing of the future. It meant facing a world that would no longer look the way it used to because my dad was no longer in it. And I was no longer married.
I had to face the pain of change.
I gave in. One cold night, I allowed the images of my father to surface. I heard his voice. I felt him hold me as I wept. I apologized for the many years we wasted butting our hard heads too engrossed in pride to simply allow God to work in our Father / Daughter relationship. I praised God for the three months we had when the pride subsided, and we loved fully. I sank into the vulnerability of not being able to have my dad ‘save me’ from my circumstances.The great sadness of the loss of my marriage in which we both took something that was supposed to be a beautiful union and example of God’s love, and we managed to twist, warp and deface it sin. I allowed grief to overwhelm me …and I survived.
Now I cry when the sadness comes. I embrace the Great Alone as I am blessed to not be alone at all. I am surrounded by God’s creation. As I type, I am watching four red birds playing, flying around only feet in front of me. Hummingbirds race about bringing the chaos and noise of their own freeway action in the sky. A chipmunk just ran across the lawn and looked at me as if to say, “hey”, all the while the constant backdrop of the rushing river with its mighty power is a reminder something so beautiful and tranquil can also bring danger if you don’t respect what it can do.
No, I’m not alone, the Lord reminds me. I am always one of four. A truth that sometimes takes my mustard seed of faith time to sink in, to trust, and to rest in the knowing I am okay because I’m not alone.
You are not alone. No matter what circumstances you’ve lived through. No matter what mistakes you’ve made. No matter what harm has been done to you. I invite you to turn to your belief in the Lord. If you don’t know Him, I invite you to simply ask Him into your life. Go back to Mass. Find your way to reconciliation. Receive Jesus. I am not an ‘alter call’ kind of girl, but if there is one thing I know, it’s because of the presence of the Holy Trinity and the Eucharist that I am where I am today.
