It was midnight, the second night of being flu positive, and I could hardly breathe. My nose was so clogged, I felt like I was suffocating. Tossing and turning, I lay awake frustrated that my own body was failing me on such a basic level. On top of that, in my sleepless anxiety, I worried about the thirteen-week old baby growing in my belly; without kicks yet to know that baby was alive in there, I was panicked that the flu may have taken this sweet baby from me.
Finally, I decided to walk around the house, drink some water, and go to the bathroom—a sort of reset button before I attempted to sleep again. But miraculously, when I lay back down, I could breathe again! I almost cried, praising God for this gift. I felt so relieved and smiled to myself as I nestled into my bed. Then, I felt the tiniest kicks in my belly. Someone must have woken up, and God was sending me a little reminder that this little one was okay.
God was so good to give me a reprieve from sickness and the confidence that all was well with baby. I couldn’t sleep for a bit after that, just thinking how grateful I was for being able to finally breathe and rest peacefully. After those days of congestion, I swore I would never take breathing through my nose for granted again.
But as I lay there thanking Him, I started thinking . . . Why is my default setting to be grateful to God for the gifts He has given me only after I have had them taken away? Why do my prayers often center around what I need, rather than what I have?
So often, I assume that my kids are going to have a great day of homeschool, only to have total meltdowns; in those moments, I find myself asking God for patience or to help them to just calm down and do what they need to do. When a car or appliance breaks unexpectedly, I find myself begging God for a quick and inexpensive fix. Or the very next day after I could breathe and sleep again, a chest x-ray incidentally found a mass in my husband’s chest, propelling us toward biopsies and oncology appointments; only then did I find myself praying incessantly for my husband and for his wellness.
Why do I just assume that I should be able to breathe easily all of the time? that my kids will be well behaved and listening whenever I need them to? that everything in my house is working at one time? that my family’s health should be baseline wellness and anything but healthy means I need to pray for God’s mercy and help?
Essentially, I find myself setting tacit expectations for how my life should go. The default setting is that everything should be easy, fixed, and uncomplicated. When things inevitably are not perfect, I find myself feeling frustration or despair and only then turning to God for help.
But the default setting in this post-Fall world is brokenness. Why am I expecting Paradise?
Particularly in the face of this challenging unknown with my husband’s health, I find myself wishing I had spent more time thanking God for the gift that Josh is to me. So often, as many spouses do I am sure, I have squabbled with him over petty things or found myself irritated when he doesn’t read my mind or do exactly as I hope he would. And now, as I am forced to consider a world in which I may not always have him, I am so grateful for every minute I get with him, even for times like this one that aren’t so easy.
Can we go around thanking God every moment of every day for the ability to breathe? for our health? our families and friends? While continuous spoken gratitude for our myriad blessings would be ideal, unfortunately, it’s not a very practical plan. However, how can we take a posture of gratitude instead of only petitioning for what we need—not to mention complaining or frustration? Is being intentional about noticing God’s blessings throughout our days a way we can incorporate prayer throughout our days?
When our car starts and we can drive to a job we don’t love but helps us care for our families, thank you, God.
When our children are alive and well, even if they are fighting over the silliest things, thank you, God.
When we fall asleep next to the very imperfect but very amazing spouse God has given us, thank you, God. It feels very trite to remind ourselves to be grateful. But I am discovering each day how little is guaranteed to us. Leaky sinks, cases of the flu, annoying family members, burned meals, crummy weather . . . they’re inevitable. We aren’t in Heaven yet. But each little thing, even the things that frustrate us or even threaten to break us, are gifts from God and opportunities to practice gratitude and grow in holiness. Although I will miss millions of things along the way, my goal for myself is to try to be thankful for His blessings before I see the threat of losing them.