ALL ABOARD THE DISCERNMENT TRAIN

If you have gone through any formal Catholic education/formation while you were a youth, you have undoubtedly been exposed to the religious notion of a vocation. Coming from the latin verb vocare which means “to call,” the Catholic Church maintains that God calls each of us to a certain state in life which ultimately draws us into a life of holiness. Traditionally, these states are the married life, priesthood, the religious life, and singlehood (there some do not believe that singlehood is a calling, just a beginning phase in which to find your vocation). In addition to these ways of life, the Holy Spirit has endowed us each with gifts or charism which help us to build up the body of Christ. Thus, God has organized and called the Body of Christ, the Church, to use our unique gifts and talents to grow in holiness and unity as we journey together on our way to heaven. 

This information is essential for each person to know, especially in a culture that promotes individualism and hedonism which has ultimately led to depression for many. Yet, for people like myself, sometimes this type of information can cause undue anxiety.

I am a very task oriented person. Give me a task and a deadline, and I will complete it. As my life has progressed, I have noticed that I rarely miss deadlines not out of pride for my work, but because I do not want my superiors (teachers, formators, bosses) to be unhappy with me. Thus, I work well with and under authority, always aiming to please. So when I am told that God has a plan for me, I want to get it exactly right, in the manner that He wants it. I look for specific signs that allow me to be certain that I am doing exactly what God wants. 

While this is certainly a humble attitude to take (although there is a sneaky form of pride here as well), it is not necessarily a healthy attitude for the spiritual life. Because I have been trying so hard to please God (and I know that His path is best), I have often stressed about which path is the exact right path to go down. As a result, there is so much of a focus on not getting it wrong that a type of freedom is lost in the process. Because of the emphasis on ‘getting it right,’ an egotism emerges that focuses more on my decision than glorifying God.

Essentially, I have been looking at life like a train ride that only has one direct course to heaven, and the way to achieve sainthood is to get off at all the right stations and depots to make the next connecting train. I felt the need to discern correctly at each turn, and if I missed the correct stop, or got off the train too soon, it would be a major setback to sainthood. It would take too much time to get back on the right track, and consequently I may not be able to do as much good as I could have done in this life. As a result, I was a mess when discerning many things in life, flopping back and forth (so much so that I entered and left seminary twice). This is hardly the life of freedom that St. Paul talks about in the epistles. 

What I got fundamentally wrong was that this life is a relationship with God, not a dog and pony show. I am a God’s son that He is guiding, not His pet or servant that He is directing.  Subconsciously, my attitude toward discernment thought I could achieve sainthood by doing what I was told, and when I did not get the epiphany from God that I wanted in every decision, I was stressed. But God does not want to spell everything out exactly for us. Yes, He will guide us, discipline us, and test us. But ultimately, like a good Father or teacher, He does not want to give us all the answers to the test, but to have us figure them out on our own, using His Spirit. As long as our love of Him is the driving force in our decision, we cannot fail to make the correct choice. 

So instead of just one concise train route, there are multiple stops and trains that can be taken with any number of variations. The saint is the person who is the most unpredictable in life, but that’s only because you cannot predict how love wants to manifest itself. While I had no doubt heard this multiple times in my life, it has only recently sunk in – which often happens in the spiritual life. You can hear 1000 times that Jesus loves you, but it isn’t until 1001 that it hits your heart. 

This is not to say that we should choose whatever we want in life with little thought of God. God truly has given us vocations and gifts of His Holy Spirit, so we must train ourselves to hear the voice of God leading us in the right direction. However, we must also know that God desires our freedom, and that any ‘mistake’ we do make in discernment, He can bring it all to His good. So next time you find yourself discerning a major life event – pray, trust, make a decision, and enjoy the ride. God will do the rest. 

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SPIRITUALITY & DEVOTION